We spend quite a bit of time talking about money in my office. Divorce, death, inheritance, aging parents, adult children, new babies or the desire to have a new baby, paying for college, who is working for pay and who isn’t, family businesses…..if there are relationships and there is money involved, it frequently comes up in therapy. I’m pretty comfortable talking about money but a lot of people aren’t. My suggestion is that one of your goals for the new year might be to get a little more financially literate.
In the Gottman Couples Therapy world, we talk about “perpetual issues.” According to Dr. Gottman’s research, 69% of the things that couples argue about fall into this category. They are topics that a couple may never be 100% in alignment on so HOW you talk about the topic is more important than reaching a resolution. Only 31% of things are solvable problems, like who is going to pick up a child from day care or who is taking the dog to the vet. When I have my couples take the Gottman Connect as part of our assessment process, Finances are a frequent perpetual issue. As my partner says, “one is a spender and one is a saver”, or something to that effect.
For all couples, even those who might be headed toward divorce, trying to avoid Gottman’s 4 Horsemen (criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling) is key. This is particularly true for those who have children. You may still have many years of co-parenting ahead of you so you still need to be able to communicate or you may end up having court appointed communication assistance. I remember when I was just beginning my process to become certified as a Gottman couples therapist and I asked my consultant if it was ethical for me to work with a couple where one partner was pretty clear that they wanted to end the relationship. He said to me, “Yes, you can help them have a good or better divorce.”
I particularly worry about women who are going through separation and divorce who are not financially grounded. One of the best things you can do for yourself and your kids, if you have them, is to “have your money right.” I recently came across an article that I found particularly helpful for women in this situation which is linked here.
My mother, who passed away a year ago, would always start a family meal with the following phrase, “Keep us safe, healthy, spiritual, and prosperous.” She came from a single parent family where her mother was left with five small children to raise on her teacher/principal’s salary. Women talking and thinking about money and prosperity was important.
Happy New Year!